time. space. slipping. life. sigh.

alone

loneliness is something that happens to us, but i think it is somethingwe can move ourselves out of. i think a person who is lonely should dig into a community, give himself to a community, humble himself before his friends, initiate community, teach people to care for each other, love each other. Jesus does not want us floating through space or sitting in front of our televisions. Jesus wants us interacting, eating together, laughing together, praying together. loneliness is something that came with the fall.

- donald miller, blue like jazz

applying myself

one phone call. having a conversation we have had before. but for some reason this time i acted.

i have been wondering what, where, when to do...or start doing...start attempting to do something again. last saturday having a conversation about life that i have had before with my favorite downtown vancouverite something clicked and i acted.

'go back to school like the rest of us.'

he is right. many of my mid-and-later twenty something friends are finding themselves returning back the classroom. this is something i have thought of before and yet didn't think it was time. i am applying. and if accepted moving to the city i grew up in.

i am hopeful this is the direction i need to be going. God will tell me if it is. until then i apply and wait to see if the door is opened.

sunflowers and future

i bought a sunflower today. i needed the smiles. not that i've been sad, just feeling icky today. in fact this last week has been quite good for me, happy-wise.

still having a hard time accepting where i am...don't know what i am to do in the grander scheme... the choices are...

...stay at the newly acquired painting department position, explore the painting/design world

...work towards school...becoming a teacher

...move to winnipeg in october and return to the coffeeshop

...investigate buying a coffeeshop of my own

maybe i should put them all in a hat and ...well let the hat decide. hahaha

for now. i have my sunflower!

life...what now?

in jr tolkens books the hobbits make a comment about their 'tween -age.' i think this is very fitting. now of course hobbits lived a lot longer and did things a bit different then we do, obviously. but being in your twenties is really just an extension of your teenaged years, unless you are one of the one who throw themselves into adult-ness. hm im starting to get fuzzy. i feel stuck. i am doing something i love but its very far away and im not getting ahead. im paying off my loans but just by the minimum...it feels more like i work so i can drive to work...not so useful, especially because i have itchy travelers feet. but there is no extra coming in to save for even a short roadtrip. annoying.

so ive been looking at options. an airline contacted me last year about becoming a flight attendant. which is perfect. so i made sure my online application was up to date. they were looking for flight attendants, the posting closed on january 31st. for the first two weeks of february i checked my inbox everyday. trying to convince myself not to be too eager. but i look back and even now it seems almost like a lifeline. the answer. maybe thats just it. there can't be a perfect answer. life choices can be hard. so ive started looking around the small town where i live with my parents. get a few extra jobs in a small area. easier to get from one to the other. im looking at a tree nursery, the golf course restaurant, and cleaning houses. but all that would mean goodbye to the coffee shop. which does make me a bit sad but i think its time.

caffeine characters

i work at a coffeeshop. i love it. i get to know people by what form of caffeine they prefer...and get to know them before they have caffeine in their system. one such customer i would like to introduce to you today. i don't know his name but his coffee is our biggest size non-fat latte, sometimes he switches it up with our biggest size dark roast. he is a no-nonsense 30-something lawyer and is for some reason the type of customer i take on as a personal customer service challenge...i want to make their day. over the past few months i've worked up a sort of repore with him. and have created this coffeeshop as his personal favorite...how do i know this? yesterday was a stat-holiday. he came in wearing jeans (!) with a completly adorable nutty woman. i saw completly different side of him. he was cuddly, laughing, and joking around. naturally i eavesdropped on his conversation while they were at the till where he announced (without knowing i was listening) that this was the best coffeeshop of its kind. for a self-pronounced people watching specialist this moment is one for the books! you could not wipe the smile off my face for the rest of the day. people are so facinating. i see this guy everyday and always when he is stressed and no doubt on his way to work. i got to see the side of him that i could relate to...the goofy, fun side. a side i would have missed if i had not been scheduled to work that day. makes me think how people percieve me...the gas attendant, the grocery store clerk, the people at church, my customers...the people that only see me for a few minutes a day. i like to think they see the best part of me. its also important to be reminded especially in a customer service job that nasty customers could be perfectly lovely people but are just having a really bad day, or just in desperate need of caffeine.

intimate

...as christians we hide behind the theology that the blood of Jesus covers all our sins. we are home free...or heaven free whatever. WRONG. the blood of Jesus covers all sins we are repentant of.

this truth was the topic of the service a few weeks ago. how then do we have a chance. there are attitudes and behaviors that i have that i know i am not aware of. or at least not aware of the root issues. then i was reading ...

o, Lord, You have searched me and known me.
You know when i sit down and when i rise up;
You understand my thought from afar.
You scrutinize my path and my lying down.
and are intimately acquainted with all my ways.

and are intimately acquainted with all my ways.

there is my hope. im a mess. how can i know and find the root of all the ways that separate me from God. He knows. all i need to do is ask. and then ask again for help.

this christianity thing is not a one time sit down with God. not a quick verbal agreement. its ongoing. but what better way to know yourself and change yourself then with the One who created you and is intimately acquainted with all your ways.